past, now, Jesus.

I see pictures from my past and shame floods my heart. I want to hid, I want to forget about all the ways I searched for beauty, acceptance, and love with my body.

I beat my body up; working out and doing crazy diets. I spent excessive money on clothes that I thought would make me look better and I gave over myself to a boy who never intended on pursuing my heart.

It’s hard for me to share this; it’s hard for me to remember all this. I still become ashamed of myself. But I was lost.

No one ever came in and told me you don’t need to dress like that to be beautiful Alexis, you don’t need those diets to be noticed, to impress your boyfriend, you don’t need to try so hard. You know, I’m sure some people did try to say stuff, but I never believed them.

And I’m gonna tell you anyway… you don’t need all that extra stuff to be beautiful. You don’t need to try harder, you don’t need to get it together, you don’t need more clothes, you don’t need to show off your body, you don’t need a man who isn’t pursuing your heart, you don’t need a man who is just using you for your body, you don’t need alcohol, you don’t need those drugs anymore, and you don’t need people’s approval.

I see that girl I used to be and I get mad at her, ashamed of her, I want to hide her from the world and not let anyone ever see that girl. But that’s not what Jesus would do. That’s not what he ever did when he watched me living like I did. Not once, did he ever turn his head in shame but he looked on me with a heart full of wild love for me, praying for me that one day I would hear him knocking on the door to my heart and I would open that door and let all his wild, fierce love flow in over me and rush the walls around my heart, breaking them down.

He never looks back and is disgusted by me, never is ashamed of who I was. Because he knows that was never truly me. That was me trying to find love apart from the only love my heart was made for and that love is Jesus. That was the broken me, the lost me, the hurting me with no one to run to.

Wherever you are at right now in your life, Jesus wants you and he wants you bad. He wants to rush in on you with mighty, ferocious love. You were created as a child of God and Jesus doesn’t want you living as an orphan any longer, he wants you wrapped up in his arms, covered by his wings. It’s never too late to run into his arms, they have always been open wide just for you. You. You.

He came to the world for you. He came and suffered, was beaten and hung on a tree that you may have life. In him is life, in him is love. Jesus is the only love that our hearts find true satisfaction in. He is our Father and we are his sons and daughters. You aren’t meant to live as an orphan, imprisoned and lonely, desolate and forgotten…no. You were created to be known and know. You were created for his love.

Run to him, he is waiting for you.

“He came to his own people,
    but they didn’t want him.
But whoever did want him,
    who believed he was who he claimed
    and would do what he said,
He made to be their true selves,
    their child-of-God selves.”

John 1:11-13 MSG