I think the hardest thing about Jesus is that he is not a rulebook to follow, he is not a set of directions, he is not what’s wrong and what’s right, but he is a relationship. This is the hardest thing for me because I do not rank high in the category of relationships, at least I believe I don’t.
I try to please God, I try to be enough for him, I try to correct my mistakes and earn back his love after I’ve fallen flat, I try to earn him and his love for me.
This is the biggest lie I have ever believed.
We have learned from the fallen nature around us, that love is conditional. Even those with the best of parents you may have had, or family around you that tried to love you their best unconditionally, they still fall short. We, as humans, have a love that runs out. It empties. It shifts.
But the love of Jesus is completely unconditional. It is not based on us, what we do, our ‘good deeds’ or ‘goodness’, it’s not based on how we treat others, how well we do in school, how well we listen, how many commands we obey, how many missions we do. It’s not all that stuff, not any.
The love of Jesus is based off of who he is. He is love. His love is perfect, because he is perfect. He is without sin, his love is not broken but whole, overflowing constantly. His love is not selfish, not for selfish gains, not to get us to like him, not any of those misconceptions. His love is completely and utterly pure.
Yet, Jesus, I still try to earn and earn and earn your love and I don’t know how to stop this habit I have picked up the first day I was born. I try to be good for you, enough for you, yet I always fall short and I get frustrated because I keep failing.
Jesus I keep asking you, what more do you want? And God keeps telling me that he just wants me.
All he wants is me, all he wants is you. He doesn’t want your good deeds, you’re trying to be more, or enough… he wants you for who you truly are. All that junk too, that stuff you keep hidden, those deep dark chambers of your heart that are rotting with sin… he wants all of you. And he is pursuing you each moment of everyday because that is how badly he wants you.
Help us lord not try to earn your love, help us just let you into all that we are because you want to know us. You want us.