I realized something today.
I realized that with being a bible study leader and working at an after school program that I have been so caught up in a Martha attitude. [Luke 10:38-42] I have been so caught up in doing this and doing that perfectly that I forgot to just be still before the Lord; to just be still and listen to Him. Instead, I have been worrying, running, exhausting myself.
With bible study and the after school program, the Lord has called me to build relationships. Relationship is what the heart longs for, what it was created for.
This bible study won’t go exactly how I have planned even when I have every moment of it planned out. And ya know what, that is hard to accept sometimes but the Lord never intended for me to be the perfect b-stud leader. In fact, He doesn’t want me to be the perfect b-stud leader, He knows I can’t be, there isn’t one. But He knows that I can be one that loves the girls and gets to know them. And that’s all He wants me to be.
He never intended me to be the perfect teacher, with perfect control, perfect discipline, even one who knows what they are doing. (cuz I don’t have quite a clue what I am doing) But the Lord has called me to love those kids. That’s all. Just love those kids.
“If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:2
All Jesus has called me to do is love, not to be this, to do that. He has called me to love.
I have been trying to be all these things, trying to be the perfect this, the perfect that. I have in my mind how things should go, what to expect, what to say, how to act, I have gotten so focused on how I think something needs to go- instead of just letting the Lord work.
I have wanted so badly to be the perfect b-stud leader. I want to say the right scripture, ask the right questions, pray the right prayer, that I have lost all focus of just loving those girls and just being with them.
I have wanted so badly to be the perfect after school program teacher, wanting to say the right thing, do the right thing… that I couldn’t just love the kids and be with them.
I have become afraid to mess up. I am afraid to make a mistake.
I am afraid. I have become so good at saying the right thing, making sure it sounds good to others… that I don’t even know what’s going on in my heart. I am actually so confused, lost at times. Sometimes I feel like a robot. My heart becomes so numb, hard, disconnected.
I am tired of being afraid to mess up, to say the wrong thing, to fail but you know what I am going to fail and I am going to be good at it.
I don’t need to worry about if I mess up cause I have a God who can’t mess up. I have a God who never fails even when I fail like 39590 times a day. I am going to fall, I am going to utterly fail in fact, but my Jesus never will.
And I choose to put my hope in Him, instead of myself.
This is my journey of surrendering, of allowing the Lord to be my all.
It is a journey, this deep woven perfectionism and sin that entangles us doesn’t just leave in a split second, our struggles don’t just get up and move in an instant. It is a process, it takes time. It takes trust, it takes waiting on the Lord, it takes daily surrender, it takes failing and weakness so that He is strong.
Everyday is an opportunity to give that to Him. Remember our end goal is not perfection, it is just becoming more like Him. His timing is so perfect, unfathomable, so good. He promises it.
Please if things are tough, if the Lord seems silent, or you are battling an issue that doesn’t seem to be going away… don’t give up on Him. He has you.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9
“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:14
And in the waiting, let Him have it all…