Oh boy oh boy, where do I begin? It is now July 11 and I have just decided to write down specifically each week as it happened. What else would you expect from me though…
(ps. this is only the first two days, cause God taught me something super cool just within the first two days)
(pss. I am on a summer mission with CRU for the summer in the city of Milwaukee, learning about God’s heart for the lost and the inner city…just in case you didn’t know)
So I remember the day, May 31st , which actually feels like 50 years ago but in reality it was just a little over a month ago. I remember sitting in the airport so nervous, yet so excited of what was to come, of the people I would be meeting, the ways I would grow in my faith, etc. That night Kasey picked me up from the airport and there was this rambunctious girl named Ashlinn with her. My personality is probably to say at the least, the polar opposite of hers. [and she is a super awesome woman of Christ… just saying]
That night I walked into my room and met Alyssa, my roommate and someone who could relate to a lot of the brokenness I had experienced and always point me back to Christ. I deeply appreciate who she is and who Christ is making her to be.
But anyway, the next day was welcome day officially and that was when everyone arrived. That night we began to pray together for the summer, for mission, for Milwaukee, the people here, etc. Before the night of praying began I had to go to the bathroom and so I went to the bathroom real quick and had checked my phone, which I wasn’t going to at first but I did anyway and saw that I had a text from my mom, I opened it and read the words that still don’t seem true to this day, that my grandpa had passed away. I went back into the room to pray with my group, tears swelled my eyes but I didn’t let any loose yet. I had to wait, right. I went on with the prayer and after that they had a game night, I tried to go but I couldn’t do it. I asked Kasey if she would sit and talk with me instead…
Right before that my mom had called me and told me what had happened, that they had found my Grandpa earlier that day. I began to tell Kasey everything. It hurt so bad, unexpectedly bad… since I wasn’t even that close to my grandpa. It surprised me how much it hurt. And honestly right now, writing this a month later, I forgot for a while what had happened.
The next day I woke up and we had more training… those were some of the hardest moments for me, the pain began to well up inside of me and wanted to just burst out. After awhile, I told Kasey I needed to talk again. We sat on the floor outside and I began to talk about the pain, that the pain felt more than just the death of my grandpa, but it was also a pain of feeling like my pain didn’t matter, that it must be justified. As I sat there and spilled my weak heart out to her, she listened with full ears and a heart of love, pointing me back to the cross that Jesus collects every tear of mine in a bottle, that He cares about every tear.
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8
Vulnerability is a hard thing for me, see I can be so vulnerable to a certain point but when the vulnerability reaches to close to my heart that’s when I become afraid. And I think that’s how it is for most people, but there is true freedom in letting all that mess out.
In that moment, I remember God telling me we are going to dig up this lie. This lie that my pain doesn’t matter, that it needs to be justified. Because to God my pain does matter, it doesn’t need to be justified or be put on trial but it matters to God, no matter how big or small the hurt looks like- it matters. All my life, I have believed that what I feel doesn’t matter, that my voice doesn’t matter, my hurt doesn’t matter, and it’s all a lie. A lie straight from the enemy. And God is setting me free of that. See I was addicted to ignoring my pain, to holding it all in but Jesus is teaching me to face it, to tell the world about it, to let others know and let others in because it matters. And through letting that pain out and into the light, He will make something beautiful out of it- because that’s just who He is.
BEFORE CHRIST: UNHEARD, UNNOTICED
AFTER CHRIST: HEARD, NOTICED, LOVED
Your pain matters to Jesus, He wants you to pour it out to Him, to let go… to trust Him with your pain and watch how He alone can set you free.
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20