past, now, Jesus.

I see pictures from my past and shame floods my heart. I want to hid, I want to forget about all the ways I searched for beauty, acceptance, and love with my body.

I beat my body up; working out and doing crazy diets. I spent excessive money on clothes that I thought would make me look better and I gave over myself to a boy who never intended on pursuing my heart.

It’s hard for me to share this; it’s hard for me to remember all this. I still become ashamed of myself. But I was lost.

No one ever came in and told me you don’t need to dress like that to be beautiful Alexis, you don’t need those diets to be noticed, to impress your boyfriend, you don’t need to try so hard. You know, I’m sure some people did try to say stuff, but I never believed them.

And I’m gonna tell you anyway… you don’t need all that extra stuff to be beautiful. You don’t need to try harder, you don’t need to get it together, you don’t need more clothes, you don’t need to show off your body, you don’t need a man who isn’t pursuing your heart, you don’t need a man who is just using you for your body, you don’t need alcohol, you don’t need those drugs anymore, and you don’t need people’s approval.

I see that girl I used to be and I get mad at her, ashamed of her, I want to hide her from the world and not let anyone ever see that girl. But that’s not what Jesus would do. That’s not what he ever did when he watched me living like I did. Not once, did he ever turn his head in shame but he looked on me with a heart full of wild love for me, praying for me that one day I would hear him knocking on the door to my heart and I would open that door and let all his wild, fierce love flow in over me and rush the walls around my heart, breaking them down.

He never looks back and is disgusted by me, never is ashamed of who I was. Because he knows that was never truly me. That was me trying to find love apart from the only love my heart was made for and that love is Jesus. That was the broken me, the lost me, the hurting me with no one to run to.

Wherever you are at right now in your life, Jesus wants you and he wants you bad. He wants to rush in on you with mighty, ferocious love. You were created as a child of God and Jesus doesn’t want you living as an orphan any longer, he wants you wrapped up in his arms, covered by his wings. It’s never too late to run into his arms, they have always been open wide just for you. You. You.

He came to the world for you. He came and suffered, was beaten and hung on a tree that you may have life. In him is life, in him is love. Jesus is the only love that our hearts find true satisfaction in. He is our Father and we are his sons and daughters. You aren’t meant to live as an orphan, imprisoned and lonely, desolate and forgotten…no. You were created to be known and know. You were created for his love.

Run to him, he is waiting for you.

“He came to his own people,
    but they didn’t want him.
But whoever did want him,
    who believed he was who he claimed
    and would do what he said,
He made to be their true selves,
    their child-of-God selves.”

John 1:11-13 MSG

hearing His voice.

I wouldn’t say I am an expert on this topic, not even close and I know there are so many sermons out there about discerning the voice of God. Sometimes I think we, or at least I, can make it so complicated that it becomes a checklist to hear his voice. And I believe it’s not complicated at all.

I have experienced my heart grow in fear that I would miss his leading, his voice. It was almost like it became a game or puzzle, where if I lost a piece or missed a turn, the play would be over. But, it’s not like that.

See the thing about our Jesus, is that he wants us to hear him. He’s not some kind of puzzle or game with directions. He is a being, someone we can talk to, listen to, sit and laugh with, do life with.

He speaks to us each day, he is always quietly or sometimes loudly (you know we get stubborn) speaking to us. He is so good and patient with us.

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9

If he wants you to make a certain decision or if he wants to send you somewhere, he will make it clear to you.

Our job though is to be in tune with him; to give time each day to him seeking his presence, seeking him through prayer, reading his word, building that relationship. As we build that relationship we begin to know his voice, he begins to teach us his voice. 

As we devote time to him each day, you begin to know each other. His voice begins to become greater than the distractions of the world as you tune yourself into his heavenly presence.

Sometimes it can be hard to shut off all those distractions, but he wants us to ask for his help. Ask him to help you be devoted to yours and his relationship, to make time for him, ask him for a desire to seek him. Ask him to create that intimacy, knowing one another. Ask him to quiet you in his love and help you hear his voice.

“The Lord your God is in your midst,
    a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
    he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

I know that sometimes the busyness and distractions of life can flood your world and we begin to lose that time with him, forget it, say we will have quiet time tomorrow or whatever it may be. But we need him each day. He wants you, he wants to be with you so run back to him. He is waiting.

Make this relationship your priority. Let his voice be the first thing you hear in the morning. Because with him the whole rest of the day falls into his place, he is your rock and cornerstone. He will lead you and guide you, be your hope and confidence, the love that surrounds you in each moment. 

lessons learned in 2016.

hope that remains.

Hope. 

Where do you get your hope? Where is your hope found in? What do you do when what you hope in runs out, leaves you, ends?

I have learned the hard way that hoping in tangible things, even people, leaves you empty. For so much of my life, I kept running after people’s affections, how they perceive me, view me, think of me. My hope was in others.

Empty feelings were all that were left. Voids. 

It’s like my soul knew something was missing. 

 

And that something was someone. Someone who came to be my hope, my only hope. Someone who came to be a hope that endures, that prevails, that perseveres. Someone with a wild, fierce, unrelenting love.

That something was someone who is Jesus.

At my lowest estate, in my pit of despair, he took my hand and he carried me. He carried me into life, into love, into hope.

You see, we live in darkness and we are covered with darkness, each one of us is dripping with it. We can’t escape our disease of sin. But the Lord still wanted us, even with all that disease. So Jesus came to the Earth. But when He came to the Earth, He had nothing to attract us to himself. [Isaiah 53:2] He came in a low position.

His time on Earth, he endured great suffering, tragedy, rejection, and pain. His life wasn’t easy. But he endured for the cross, he endured for you and for me. As he was up on that cross, he took on all of our disease. He was our sacrifice, our cure, our healing. 

He came that we may know him and live in the abundant life of love, peace, hope, and joy that he created for us. Just take his hand!!

The difference between having hope in Jesus and having hope in mankind, or even in yourself is a vast one.

Mankind and you are constantly changing. We are unstable. Our love is affected by how we feel, our moods change with every hour of the day. We are broken and we disappoint one another and ourselves. But Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow [Hebrews 13:8]. He doesn’t run on how other people think of him, he doesn’t need approval, he doesn’t even need us to believe in him to be God. For He is the Lord, apart from us. He remains the same.

He always will be who he says he is. He doesn’t fluctuate. He is constant and he wants to be our hope. He came that we may have life and have to the full [John 10:10].

There is a hope available to you that endures for eternity, will you take hold of this free gift? His hand is reaching for yours. 

And what I am learning is that even as believers, we need to grab his hand daily. Each morning waking up and making him our only hope, our first, second, and third hope. Asking him to be our only hope, our confidence, our security, and all that we need.

 

In the silence…

Silence. I pray, seek, ask, beg… yet silence. 

I hear nothing from you God, where have you gone? Why have you left me?

Feelings. You feel so far Lord, I just want to feel you near, I want to feel you close.

I feel nothing Lord. 

But what are feelings that they are greater than the ultimate truth of our Lord? When did my feelings create the presence of the Lord? When did my feelings become greater than the truth that the Lord is God, there is none above Him?

When did I let my feelings become an idol in my heart?

When did I forget that… “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17

When did I forget that… “Who else has held the oceans in his hand? Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers? Who else knows the weight of the earth or has weighed the mountains and hills on a scale?” Isaiah 40:12

Yet, I let my little infinite, miniscule feelings dictate who the God of the universe is.

Yet, because of who God is, He wants us to cry out and pour our hearts out to Him…

Psalm 13

“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.” 

You see He calls us to be honest with Him, brutally honest, but then we must not stay in those feelings, we must remember the truth of our Lord and who He is; that He is faithful even when we are faithless [2 Timothy 2:13]. That He is Lord, and He is good.

“If I, the Lord, seem silent, will you still seek me? Even if you ‘feel’ nothing, will your faith still prevail, will you still chase me?”

In this season of testing and silence, I believe the Lord is saying to me and maybe to you, “you have heard me speak, you have watched me move and I become silent for one season and all of sudden, you forget all that I am, you think that I have forgotten you? But you have tasted my goodness, you have watched me, seen me, you know me… now it’s time for me to know you, to see where your faith stands…”

Then I came across this in the Word…

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.

For “In just a little while, He who is coming [will come] and not delay.”

And “But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take {no pleasure in the one who shrinks back.}”

For we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those have faith and are saved.” Hebrews 10:35-39

Lord Jesus, we come to you and confess that we have made our feelings idols, we have leaned into them more than you, your Word that is truth, that stands firm to the end. We have trusted in ourselves, in feelings that are constantly changing like shifting shadows, but you, Lord, are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, not changing with the winds of this world. Lord forgive us, create in us pure hearts Lord. Help us stand firm to the end, running this race with perseverance, trusting in You alone. Rid us of ourselves, of our idols, make us into men and women of faith, who speak truth and trust in your truth alone. You are Lord of all Jesus. Thank you. In Your Name, Amen. 

we don’t have to be perfect.

I realized something today.

I realized that with being a bible study leader and working at an after school program that I have been so caught up in a Martha attitude. [Luke 10:38-42] I have been so caught up in doing this and doing that perfectly that I forgot to just be still before the Lord; to just be still and listen to Him. Instead, I have been worrying, running, exhausting myself.

With bible study and the after school program, the Lord has called me to build relationships. Relationship is what the heart longs for, what it was created for.

This bible study won’t go exactly how I have planned even when I have every moment of it planned out. And ya know what, that is hard to accept sometimes but the Lord never intended for me to be the perfect b-stud leader. In fact, He doesn’t want me to be the perfect b-stud leader, He knows I can’t be, there isn’t one. But He knows that I can be one that loves the girls and gets to know them. And that’s all He wants me to be. 

He never intended me to be the perfect teacher, with perfect control, perfect discipline, even one who knows what they are doing. (cuz I don’t have quite a clue what I am doing) But the Lord has called me to love those kids. That’s all. Just love those kids. 

“If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:2

All Jesus has called me to do is love, not to be this, to do that. He has called me to love.

I have been trying to be all these things, trying to be the perfect this, the perfect that. I have in my mind how things should go, what to expect, what to say, how to act, I have gotten so focused on how I think something needs to go- instead of just letting the Lord work.

I have wanted so badly to be the perfect b-stud leader. I want to say the right scripture, ask the right questions, pray the right prayer, that I have lost all focus of just loving those girls and just being with them.

I have wanted so badly to be the perfect after school program teacher, wanting to say the right thing, do the right thing… that I couldn’t just love the kids and be with them.

I have become afraid to mess up. I am afraid to make a mistake. 

 

 

I am afraid. I have become so good at saying the right thing, making sure it sounds good to others… that I don’t even know what’s going on in my heart. I am actually so confused, lost at times. Sometimes I feel like a robot. My heart becomes so numb, hard, disconnected.

I am tired of being afraid to mess up, to say the wrong thing, to fail but you know what I am going to fail and I am going to be good at it.

I don’t need to worry about if I mess up cause I have a God who can’t mess up. I have a God who never fails even when I fail like 39590 times a day. I am going to fall, I am going to utterly fail in fact, but my Jesus never will.

And I choose to put my hope in Him, instead of myself.

This is my journey of surrendering, of allowing the Lord to be my all.

It is a journey, this deep woven perfectionism and sin that entangles us doesn’t just leave in a split second, our struggles don’t just get up and move in an instant. It is a process, it takes time. It takes trust, it takes waiting on the Lord, it takes daily surrender, it takes failing and weakness so that He is strong.

Everyday is an opportunity to give that to Him. Remember our end goal is not perfection, it is just becoming more like Him. His timing is so perfect, unfathomable, so good. He promises it.

Please if things are tough, if the Lord seems silent, or you are battling an issue that doesn’t seem to be going away… don’t give up on Him. He has you.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9

“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:14

And in the waiting, let Him have it all…

I can’t be all these things.

I am going to be honest, this past week has been a struggle for me. I have felt so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by all the things that I think I have to be, all of the expectations I am placing on myself. How can I be a daughter, a sister, a friend, a leader, a disciple, and a teacher, all while being a full time college student? I can’t be all these things.

I felt myself break. I felt myself get angry at the Lord.

“Lord, I can’t meet all these expectations you ask of me. I am one person. I am angry at you God. Why do you ask me to be all these things for you when you know I can’t be all those things?”

Oh man, was I angry. I have to confess something to you, I have believed the lie for so long that I have to be more for our God. You know where that lie comes from, it comes from Satan. The Lord tells us to come as we are, He loves us right where we are, and He loves us with a crazy, fiery, passionate, relentless love. But, because of that lie and because of the pain it has caused me, I so often try to work for His love.

It is quite silly, but you know when you know something intellectually but for some reason you’re heart just isn’t quite there yet? Yes, that is me. And ya know what, God is going to dig this lie out because He has dug out so many lies before. He is a faithful Father to His children and He has this lie of mine. It will take time for my heart to truly recover of this lie, but I know God is a healer and He will heal this heart of mine. He will do the same for you too.

I continually have to confess and lay it at His feet. I wrestle with it. I am stubborn. But God is good. He is faithful. He is true. He is never changing; the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

And ya know the even more crazier thing? God doesn’t call us to be all those things. It is ourselves who call us to be all those things. We try to carry an impossible burden.

Yesterday, I told my dad this struggle and he said to me, “Lex, God has called you to be you.”

I want to tell you today that you were not meant to carry the burden of being all those “things” that you are trying to be, or feel the obligation to be. No, God has called you to be you.

Lord, I confess I try to take on the weight of the world on my own. I set impossible standards for myself and then lean on myself to try to accomplish all of them. I lean on my own strength, on my own power, and wisdom without ever running to you Father. Forgive me Lord. I run to you, and I chose to rest in you Father. Help me to just be me. Thank you Lord that you want to be our strength, you want to be our rest. In Your Name, Amen.

a prayer for us.

When did we start letting our hearts have boundaries?

Jesus calls us to have a heart like His and His heart doesn’t just stop at one particular people group, but it is for all people- young, old, addicts, prisoners, martyrs, the lost, the found, the broken, the hopeless, the homeless, children, the poor, the suffering…

When we pray, we give the battle over to Jesus– now imagine if we all rose up in prayer continually praying for the world… imagine what could happen when we let go of control and give it all over to the power of Jesus!! I believe mighty things could happen.

Lord, it is so easy to get caught up in ourselves and forget about those around us… we need you to help us rise up in prayer. Give us a heart like Yours to remember those around us in prayer continually. Jesus, break our hearts open for Your people and help us lift up our brothers and sisters in Christ around the world and always lift up those who are lost. Rid us of ourselves Lord Jesus- remind us how powerful prayer is and give us hearts that want to pray more and more. We can’t grow our hearts without you, so we call on you right now to take over our hearts. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

give me your eyes- brandon heath

 

prayer: love for Belarus.

Jesus, I lift up Belarus to you today. I pray for this area, flood it with your peace and your love. I pray that we always remember these areas were your Word is restricted and always keep praying for your people. Thank you for the voice you’ve given us and I pray we always speak for the silent. I pray for the believers over there Lord, that you would empower and strengthen them. Encourage their hearts Lord and I pray for the unbelievers that somehow, same way they would hear your Word and open the door to allow you in. Thank you for your love Jesus. I pray this in your name, Amen.