I sit, my body at rest, but my mind working tirelessly like a coo coo clock that won’t stop chiming. All the questions, vigorously bouncing back and forth like springs in my mind, striving to attach themselves to some kind of lifeform, some kind of reasoning, some kind of rationale. These springs, they never grow tired or weary, never give out or rust… as you may think they would.
All these unanswered questions, ponderings, discoveries yet to be made. I want to know why, I want to know how. My mind fights to understand and the funny thing is, is that while questions race back and forth like a racetrack in my mind, somehow my brain seems foggy all at the same time.
I am unable to think up any kind of understanding, or answer, solution, or remedy…
all the while these questions seem to be spilling over, submerging out of, erupting from the deep, untouched places of my heart, the places that are trying to understand the confusion, the pain, the hurt, the places that matter…these questions… matter.
These aren’t just some silly, nonsensical, frivolous questions, these are real, they deserve answers.
Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places, maybe I just can’t see past what the world answers to these questions. Maybe my eyes are looking for something tangible, something palpable, something I could manifest, something my humanness could wrap it’s brain around. Maybe, I’m not waiting for your answer… maybe I am trying to conjure up my own.
But maybe, I am not supposed to know the answer yet. Maybe, for now, the answer is just You. Maybe, as each day goes on, small snippets, little, tiny epiphanies, will slither their way into my mind, into my heart, out of places that I can’t trace their tracks back to yet. And maybe, just maybe, one day, I will know the answer in it’s entirety.
But maybe their is no answer in it’s entirety, maybe the answer is made of small, cumulative fragments, particles, remnants that give me little inklings, cues, indications into an answer that is much, much bigger than I.
But then again, maybe You will not tell us the answer… maybe for now and until we see You, the answer is just… “trust me”.
Trust me even when it hurts. Trust me even when it’s confusing. Trust me even when you can’t see an ounce of what is ahead. Trust me even when it seems like nothing is budging. Trust me even when it makes no sense.
Trust me because I know you every part of you… because I see the big picture.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9