Today, I felt weird and I tend to feel weird a lot and not be able to describe what is causing it. After giving it some thought and not just pushing it aside as usual, I discovered that I have a lot of repressed emotions, as a lot of you probably do as well. In this day and age, we are told that we always have to have it together, we always have to look our best for others to like us. So we push and push under our rug, our emotions and feelings. I am tired of dismissing what I feel and I know God is tugging on my heart, telling me I can’t keep ignoring what is going on inside of me.
Okay God, so where do I start?
I figured the best thing to probably do, is to start from the very beginning.
I envision little me and the tears that I have been needing to cry, start coming.
Rejection: to refuse to hear, receive, or admit; to refuse to accept, consider
Rejection was planted deep into the roots of my soul, by the enemy, almost directly after I came out of the womb. This is hard for me to write and even harder because I know my mom may read this. But, my mom wasn’t there for me, emotionally, in the beginning. This is where rejection was planted and continued to be watered, growing severely and ruthlessly.
The one who made me, rejected me.
…God if you made me in my mother’s womb, you must have rejected me as well or at least, you reject me when the dirty parts of me show.
This is a lie I have believed about God and about others and I did not even know till now, at 19 years old.
This has been one of the biggest lies stemming from my rejection. I believe that when I am around people, I can’t show my sadness or fear. I believe that if I show them how messed up I am inside, they won’t want to be around me. You know, I don’t want to be a downer, I don’t want to make someone else feel sad for me. They won’t stick with me through my aching heart, only when my heart is full and happy. And most of all, if I wasn’t good enough for the one who made me, how could I be good enough for someone who has no ties to me?
The enemy has been winning all these years, and I have been letting him by never taking a stand for my worth.
When God brought me into a relationship with Him, He knew this was one of my biggest struggles. In the beginning months of my new relationship with God, He really showed me intimacy with Him and His presence was so strong. He listened to me and talked to me. He showed me that He choose me. He showed me a relationship with Him and He became my best friend, it really was beautiful.
In those moments, He began (without me realizing till just now) that work of uprooting that lie and all the lies stemming from rejection.
Just by Him being my best friend and greatest listener, He showed me “I am worthy” of being heard, being around, being a friend of.
But as time went on and we go through seasons where circumstances and chaos surround us and we can’t feel God that close, this lie began to show itself again- God showing me that the root has never been dug up.
I hate this lie that I have believed. You know why, because I still believe it even after everything God has done for me, even after I have felt the love He has for me at my brightest and darkest moments.
When God shows me how much He loves me, that He died for me, that I am His child, His friend- sometimes it stirs nothing within me. If I am going to be completely honest, I just read it or listen to it and feel nothing. Sometimes I try to make myself feel something because everyone around me is brought to their knees by this truth. But here I am- not even sure if my heart is beating because I can’t feel anything inside.
The enemy has gotten so deep into my roots with the lies that come from rejection, that it is hard to believe the love God has for me.
I struggle with thinking I have to do more, pray more, read more to have God love me… and no matter what bible verse contradicts that or how many times someone tells me that is not true or I even tell myself that is not true; I just can’t believe it.
I guess I can’t believe that God would love me for no reason. I can’t believe that no matter how many times I sin against Him, He will still love me the same. I can’t believe that He wants to talk to me even when I don’t initiate the conversation. I can’t believe that He stills loves me when my faith is amounting to nothing. I don’t understand your love for me, Jesus.
The enemy has made me believe these lies, he has made me believe that God can only love me in my good moments. That when I don’t have a faith as strong as mountains and the brightest smile on face, God doesn’t want to be with me.
God is taking me on a journey to my heart beginning with this lie, because I will never be all that God intends for me to be if these wounds of my heart are never addressed. I am so ready God to watch you work within me! You are a beautiful healer.
“It is only in surrender, that I am truly free”
I want to tell you right now, that the wounds of your heart matter and I pray that you and God will take a journey to your heart to begin to uproot them and heal them with His mighty power. It will take time and I pray God blesses you with the spirit of endurance, perseverance, and patience. I also want you to know that it is not easy and it may be overwhelming, thinking where do I begin. Or you may be thinking that you don’t have any wounds… and that is the ultimate lie we can believe.
Let God take you on a journey to your heart, so that He can shape you and mold you into the woman or man He intended you to be. You just have to let Him, you have to surrender. Be real with God and with yourself. Let this be a start of a painfully, beautiful journey full of healing.
“When you come to where you’re broken within, the light meets the dark”
[Ps. By the goodness and graciousness of God, my mom and I’s relationship is beginning to be healed now. She is someone very special to me, one of my best friends, and I wouldn’t trade her for the world :-p ]
and…if you ever need prayer or just someone to talk to, feel free to contact me 🙂